60 Things I Learned My First Year of College

1. If you want to make friends the first few days, keep your door open. People will wander in and start a conversation. Maybe about Stephen King’s novel “Under the Dome” or how much of a bitch Zooey Deschanel is in “(500) Days of Summer.”

2. Staying up until 2 a.m. weeknights is completely normal. So is taking a three hour nap between classes.

3. Drinking milk straight from the carton is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Milk was a bad choice

4. Treat the people on your floor like family. Take care of them, go to events together, have movie nights. After all, you will be living together for nine months — it’d be good if you were all friends.

5. College isn’t like high school. You will be friends with a lot of different people who you would have never spoken to in a high school setting.

6. Making friends at frat parties is astonishingly easy to do.

7. Don’t expect to meet the love of your life the first day. The likelihood of finding your soul mate as soon as you arrive on campus (think, Lily and Marshall from “How I Met Your Mother”) is very, very slim.

8. There are more genuinely good people than bad in this world. People will go out of their way to help you out and be nice and show you where the bathroom is at parties.

9. But remember that creeps still exist.

10. If you’re a girl and play your cards right, you never have to pay for alcohol.

11. Beware of classes that begin before 10 a.m. or after 4 p.m.

12. This isn’t high school anymore — waiting until the day before the test to study is not a smart decision.

13. Buy the $150 football season tickets. It’s worth it.

14. However, buying the basketball season tickets is not worth it.

15. Go to class. Always. Treat your classes like a job. Study, do your homework, get good grades. It’s important.

16. Healthy food doesn’t exist when you’re living on a meal plan. You will gain weight. Embrace the love handles.

mean girls fat

17. Take advantage of school activities. Go to the free concerts, go to the Vagina Monologues, go to the movie screenings.

18. How to stream movies online.

19. Living in community-style dorms is the way to go. It might seem awful to have to share a bathroom with your whole floor and use showers covered in other people’s hair, but everyone is much more social.

20. If you’re up before noon on the weekend, you’re up too early.

21. If you come back to your dorm a drunken shit show, your friends will record you and give you shit about it for weeks afterward. But it’s all in good fun. Mostly.

22. Guys are complete and total idiots.

23. There’s no shame in enjoying frat parties.

24. Don’t go out every weekend. Staying in and watching “The Incredibles” on a Saturday night is healthy every now and then.

25. You will have to take classes you hate. There is no escaping it.

exhaustion

26. Get involved early on in the year. Joining the school paper the summer before I even came to campus was one of the best decisions I made all year.

27. Don’t let people get under your skin

28. Getting involved with someone else on your floor is probably not the best idea.

29. There are people who seem to think making out while watching a movie in a room with 10 other people isn’t weird for everyone else sitting around them. It is. Please don’t do it. 

30. Keep an open mind. Your views on just about everything will shift and change throughout the year.

31. If you’re ever invited to a party called Hoochfest, GO TO IT, DAMMIT!

ready to party

32. Old-school note taking with a pen and notebook is better than taking notes on your laptop.

33. Befriend your PA’s/CA’s/RA’s. They’re actually really cool.

34. What Tinder is. And more importantly, to avoid it at all costs.

35. How to incorporate terms such as “hella,” “ratchet,” “naw,” “yee,” “fropping,” “hatchnasty,” “swerve,” “totes,” “clutch,” “crunk,” turnt,” “sloppy,” “turn up,” and “fratting,” into everyday conversations.

36. Taking shots of Tequila and Scotch out of sadness is not the way to solve your problems.

37. Ironically, geology does not “rock.”

38.  Nobody cares about who you were in high school

39. Surviving a night of fropping with your girlfriends is a great bonding experience. Drunken girl talk has a way of bringing people together.

40. Relationship advice from friends often comes in the form of “hit it and quit it” and “get it in.”

41. If you’re stressed out, sit in the hot tub for two hours. If your school doesn’t have a hot tub, that’s just another reason why Mizzou is superior.

42. If you have a car, people will ask you to drive them everywhere. Especially to HyVee for the Chinese buffet.

43. This is the time of your life when it is the most acceptable to make stupid decisions. At least, I like to think so.

44. Never come between a girl and “The Bachelor,” especially when the bachelor is Juan Pablo. Do not talk when Juan Pablo is on that television. Do not Google and spoil who Juan Pablo chooses in the end. Do not call Juan Pablo unattractive (even though he is a complete moron).

45. If you do not enter college a fan of stupid pop/dance music, there is a good chance you will come to find enjoyment in it by the end of the year after dancing to “Talk Dirty” and “Gas Pedal” every time you go out.

46. If you find a friend who makes you tea at 1 a.m. and gives you boy advice, keep them a friend for life.

47. Some people just don’t know how to pick up on social cues, and there is a good chance they will never learn.

48. When you live on a floor where boys outnumber girls two to one, ESPN will be on the TV lounge 24/7.

49. In the words of Lemony Snicket, “First impressions are often entirely wrong.”

50. Going off of number 49 — when first meeting people, do not play a game of Never Have I Ever. Everybody comes off in a very negative light.

51. Don’t judge someone else for being “sloppy.” There’s a good chance you will have your own sloppy night in the near future. It’s college, it happens.

52. Never hesitate. If you do, you will miss out on opportunities. I’ve learned the hard way.

53. When going to parties in winter, never leave your coat in the open — especially not sitting in a chair, unoccupied, by the door. Drunk girls who didn’t think to bring their own coats will steal yours for the walk home and then you’ll have to trek across campus to your dorm in 15-degree freezing rain wearing short sleeves. And then you’ll have to spend $100 to replace your stolen coat.

54. Watching “The Walking Dead” with a group is ten times better than watching it alone.

55. Dinosaur-on-human pornography is a thing.

56. When bitches are being bitches, making an angry playlist and having a mini dorm rave with your friends helps. I recommend “Sweet As Whole” by Sarah Bareilles or “Bitches Ain’t Shit” by Ben Folds.

57. Gumby’s pizza and pokey stix are heaven on earth.

58. It’s okay to have bad days.

59. Flappy Bird ruins lives.

60. Be yourself. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

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